Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
