I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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