you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
