I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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