His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
