god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
never play flip cup with pint glasses
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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