i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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