Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
