can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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