I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
