If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
