So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
