do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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