She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
