i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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