she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize