her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
