Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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