yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
