Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
