The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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