He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
