she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
