I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
how does that bad decision feel?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
