I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
