man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
