covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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