I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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