Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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