If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
