everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
