Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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