those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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