did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
