I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
