My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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