Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
