If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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