Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
