cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
