I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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