she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
