Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
