I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
