It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
