I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
