Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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