shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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