girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
my poor anus
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
