ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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