I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
