I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
