evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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