I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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