I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
